Lobotomy

94 beats per minute and counting. The thoughts could light up a room given the electrical stimulation of my mind. The funny thing is, I am not so sure what I am even thinking at the moment.

I feel like I am caught in a storm right now. My thoughts whip around me at 40 miles per hour. The clouds are about to cave in at any moment. There is a possibility of grave danger. My chance to head to the hills is running out. Still, I am filled with excited energy to see how this all will turn out.

This wedding may just give me a heart attack. I love my lists. I love my details. Honestly, I despise this planning. I am not a decisive person. This is the last job I want. Out of all the decisions I have made the only one that counts is that I want to be with Michael forever. I didn't expect that decision to leave 100 different decisions with it. I have been trying to stay positive, but I have so many doubts.

There is a rainforest population of monkeys that are latched to my back. Decision after decision and talking about my decisions has dulled my enthusiasm with this wedding. I think all my work has especially been wearing me thin. I work to save for the wedding, but I have lost so many social nights with the people who I love and care about. I am even missing half of this Easter Sunday to work. The additional stress of finding a place to live is killing me. We are ready to have our own place together, but it doesn't look like it will happen any time soon.

This is definitely not my most tactful post, I am sure. It really has been all "oh woe is me". My heart has been heavy lately. Please do not worry though. I am just ready to spend everyday with my soulmate, building a life together. He has been the greatest friend to me. He comforts me as well as fuels my dreams and passions in life. I just want to be with him. Right now I have hurdles to cross before I can do that. I have tripped a few times, but I have to keep running. I will get to my wedding day no matter how improbable it feels. As rough as the past year has been I am still finding hope.

As selfish this post is, I know that I cannot do much without all of the amazing and wonderful people we have around us. I am always so blessed and inspired by so many beautiful souls. It is time to fine tune my heart strings and stop dragging my feet. I need this wedding to happen, because it is going to be awesome.

Got A Lot to Say

A few moments of my life I have convinced I may have been a cat. With all of the sleeping here and there, the love of pats on the head, and the ability I have to sneak up on people always seemed to point towards cat. I am sure I am turning into a bear though. I mean, If a bear had a bath tub, I would totally be one.

I will explain a little further for you. I have been sleeping more than usual lately. This past weekend alone I slept for 36 hours. If weren't for work, I would have hibernated the entire weekend within my dark cave. Not to mention, when woken up, I may have been willing to claw a face off. Luckily for Mike, I keep my nails short and he finds the humor in this decaffeinated zombie thing that I am. Aside from getting into the garbage (that is Brady's job) I think I can relate to a bear.

Oh and the bathtub thing. I have been taking so many late night trips to the bathroom to light candles and lay into the warm bubbles and let my thoughts float to the surface. Sometimes it isn't relaxing. It just gives me a space to share my inner secrets with myself. I will admit that my stress levels have been ridiculous lately.

I feel stupid saying this out to the world, but I need to send out save the dates. I have them all addressed and sealed I just need to be awake when the post office is open. I never realized how difficult this would be. It really isn't excusable by any means, I could just get up early and go, but you don't want to wake the bear. I am willing myself to count them up, stamp them and send them tomorrow.

I still feel like we haven't been far down the wedding planning road lately. We really have a lot accomplished.

We have:

an officiant (finally)

meal picked out

liquor list

menswear all decided on

poofy under dress thingy (thank you Jaci!)

a dress big enough to fit me and 3 children in

2/5 bridesmaids dresses ordered

invitation wording figured

timeline figured out

favors in mind

All of this has just occurred recently. I am really getting excited about it finally. My gown is the big stress party right now. When we got it, it was a little loose. I cannot think of a proper metaphor to explain how much it doesn't fit anymore. It has to be at the very least two inches too large on each side. I was told that our original alterations lady couldn't do that much work. I am swimming in a dress 3 sizes too large. I feel magical but not in a good way. I don't understand how this is possible.

We have just under 3 months to plan this baby. I am so mixed in emotions lately. The debate on our pace while running towards the wedding is really the most concurrent topic with every other thought I have. I am definitely considering a garter belt that can hold a flask.

I can at the very least, take pleasure in the sunshine that is finally peaking out. Of course, Spring always posing a much more serious issue; the search for the perfect punk album. I truly am in need of some manic, loud punk rock music.

Okay I will update a music video shortly, but for now you can revel in the peace of a quiet entry.

I love you and am truly thankful for your support.